I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent searching the web for blogs on information on being hesitant for having kids and the life after kids. Most blogs are all so surreal that I think they have to be fake.

My husband and I started dating in high school and after 7 years we got married and are now coming up to our 6 years anniversary – 13 years together. From when we strted dating I was already pen about if this worked out I do not want kids so he had to decided weather he wanted to go down this road with me or not. He was on the fence about kids but leaning towards not having, so we went down that road… Looking back now we both came from broken homes and we were actually toxic for each other growing up. But somehow we got each other through the hard times and he asked me to marry him.

Last year he had a motorbike accident and he changed his whole outlook on his life, our lives. He had become unhappy with our marriage, our overly busy schedules where we mostly lived past each other anyway. he has made personal changes which are for the better for him as a person and for us, but mosts importantly he now is set on he wants kids. The last 6 months have been absolute hell for mostly myself trying to deal with all these changes. but most importantly our marriage is on the line. If I can’t agree to having kids then we are done.

But I have all the same fears, I’ve never felt maternal, I don’t even want to touch/hold a baby, I feel that I would be a terrible mother, I don’t want to bring a new life into a world I can’t even be happy on a normal day in – it wouldn’t be fair on the child. I’m a loner as a person so I don’t socialize well and everyone always asks my husband ‘whats wrong with me’ when we go anyway because I’m not always smiling – even though I actually am content. Also theres the financials that come with raising a child – I cannot afford a child on my own so I’d be completely reliant on my husband which greatly impacts my confidence as well as a provider for my to be child.

I’m aware that we were completely wrong for each other and the start of our marriage was far from almost perfect but it was what I needed at that time in my life so I made the best of a bad match and after all we had already been through so much together and seen each others worst. But now almost 6 years down the line I really do value our marriage and my husband. My whole world has literally been thrown up side down with the whole child decision.

I’m sitting on the fence – do I walk away from something I really value and have invested so many years into or do I close my eyes and take the plunge to have the child(ren) to keep the person I value most? If I take the plunge, would I be a good enough mother? Could I love the child the way a mother should? What if I never feel that motherly bond after having the child – wouldn’t that be unfair to my child and to my husband?

I’m aware there’s more to our marriage issues than just having a child or not, but our attempts to fix our marriage hinges on my decision if I can do motherhood or not.

Hi Victoria, thank you for taking the time to comment. I truly appreciate your honesty and vulnerability, and find your story incredibly moving. I’m sure your household is certainly a fun one right about now with a 10-month-old—what a delightful age! I wish you and your family all the best!

My partner and I proceeded with the pregnancy— mostly because we thought it was the right thing to do and the right time. I no longer had the ‘excuse’ of being young or poor and I felt ashamed for being so careless. I then began researching how abortions can affect future fertility and this convinced me that if I didn’t have my baby now, perhaps I’d never be able to. As my pregnancy progressed, I continued to think about aborting but as time passed, that option dwindled.

I now have a 10 month old. It’s been a massive adjustment but I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Has it impacted my life? Yes. Career? Yes. Relationship? Hell yes. But still… wouldn’t change a thing.

Hi Tara, thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to read your comment. PS, your mom sounds like an absolute rockstar!! I hope you’re having a lovely week and wish you and your family all the best!

Hi Marie, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I greatly appreciate your thoughtful insight, and am so sorry that you are currently having to struggle with anorexia. However, even though we’re just now e-meeting, I want to let you know how much I’m thinking of you. I am deeply grateful for your incredibly honesty and wish you nothing but the best, no matter which path you decide to take. Please don’t ever hesitate to reach out!

Kathryn- I appreciate your reply and wish you the same! I know you will find the same peace. No matter what it looks like. Xo

HI Jess, thank you for providing such valuable insight—I can’t tell you how comforting I found your story to be, especially since you noted how even though you always knew you wanted to have children, you still found the idea to be very overwhelming. You’re right, I bet the baby stage really does pass by fast!

But ah, 2.5—what an exciting and fun age. I wish you and your family all the best, and congratulations on your second child!

Hi Allison, thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. I greatly appreciate your openness as well as your incredible insight. I am so sorry about your experience last year, and that you and your husband had to undergo that level of grief. However, I am so happy that you’re now six months pregnant, about to welcome your first child into the world. Ah, what an exciting time! I hope the last three months of pregnancy goes smoother for you. I wish you and your family all the best!

Hi Cal, thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience. I can’t even begin to tell you how much your comment makes me smile. Ah, 2.5, what a fun age! I hope you and your family have a wonderful Spring and wish you all the best!

Hi Libby, thank you so much for taking the time to provide such thoughtful insight. I greatly appreciate you sharing your story; I cannot tell you how comforting it is to hear that you never experienced any maternal twinges or urges either, and that the idea of being a parent still felt surreal to you once you gave birth. However, I’m so happy to hear that all is well and that you and your husband are expecting your 2nd child—congratulations!! What an exciting time in your life! I wish you and your family all the best!

Hi Amy, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I truly appreciate your advice. It wasn’t too long ago that my parents entered the empty-nest days, and I think they’re thoroughly enjoying it 😉 I wish you and your family all the best!

Hi Bekah, I can’t tell you enough how much I enjoyed reading your comment. Thank you so much for taking the time to provide such thoughtful insight. I agree with so much of what you mentioned above, but I especially loved “because really, life always has the potential to be better, and if we can believe that, whether or not to decide to have a child will become a much clearer decision.Less fear, more hope.” Thank you again; I wish you and your family all the best!

Hi Elizabeth, thank you so much for your awesome insight! Did the podcast you mention happen to be featuring Elizabeth Gilbert? I could have sworn I’ve heard her mention those three buckets before, and I loved that advice!

Hi Tricia, wow I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to comment. I am so sorry to hear about what you and your husband had to go through, but I want you to know how deeply grateful I am for your honesty. I hope you both are doing well and wish you nothing but the best.

Hi Marie and Kelly, I truly appreciate both of your incredibly thoughtful comments. I couldn’t agree with you more. Thank you again for reading; I hope you have a wonderful week!

Thank you so much for your kind words and amazing insight. It is incredibly comforting to know I’m not alone with my hesitations. I do believe my feelings will change the older I get and the more I evolve, and you’re right, that’s totally OK. I wish you and your family all the best, and hope you have a lovely day!

Hi Kristen, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I truly appreciate it and can’t help but find your story incredibly inspiring. Plus, I absolutely love your pizza example, as well as what you stated at the end: “For me, this life, this journey, is the one I very purposefully picked. And it’s outside the norm. Life a life you want. That’s where I find peace.” Thank you for that! I wish you and your family all the best!

Thank you so much for your insight, Stef. I greatly appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment. I wish you and your family all the best!

Hi Tabitha, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I’m so glad you found the article relatable. (Happy almost fifth anniversary, by the way, and congratulations on soon becoming an aunt!) While I hate that you’re experiencing the same doubts as me, I must admit it’s comforting to know that we’re not alone in this situation. That said, I wish you the best of luck and please don’t hesitate to reach out if you ever want to chat!

Last year, when time was starting to run out because I was 34 and my husband was 40, we decided to go for it, as our desire to become parents was just stronger than our desire to remain child-free. Unfortunately, I miscarried that pregnancy 9 weeks in, and it was in that moment that I finally just “knew.” My grief over that loss created the strongest urge I’ve ever felt to have a baby, and I am now 6 months pregnant with a boy who will hopefully be our first and only child.

Even though my miscarriage was a horrible experience, I am grateful for it, as it gave me the clarity I never had and the resiliency to endure my current pregnancy, which has been filled with medical complications for me personally (though the baby seems to be doing just fine).

There is no one right choice and I don’t think it’s possible to compare the road not taken with the one I’m on. I’m still not always sure I took the right road, especially when things are very difficult, but I have to believe that the outcome will be worth it.

yes yes yes to this!. You AREN’T selfish for not wanting kids (if thats what you decide you feel). Anyone that makes you feel that way is being selfish.

I should put it on the record that I was absolutely terrified as I never thought I wanted kids. However, I knew it meant a lot to him. 2.5 years later, I can’t imagine our lives without our little lady. She’s taught us a lot, we’re still able to have time for ourselves now and then she is freaking entertaining. Now that we’re on this side, we are really wondering what we did before her. Schedules can be tough – but each day is a new blast with something to smile about.

As for how I knew I wanted a child, I have actually experienced both sensations. With my first, I *knew* the time was right. I wanted a baby, and partially because of being the oldest of a very large family, felt very confident and competent in caring for a small human. Call it maternal urges or baby fever, I had it bad.

With my second baby, I suddenly had a lot of fear. My first baby was such a joy that I didn’t want to introduce a new member to our family because I was afraid of how it would mess up our perfect system. I didn’t want another little one to take away from any attention I could give to my child, or if I’m honest, to some of my projects. I also had experienced parenthood sleep deprivation in a new way, and birth really can be a beast.

Ultimately, I decided to have another baby based on a logical decision. I wanted my firstborn to have a friend, and I knew I could provide a stable home for a child to grow and be educated in. Up until about halfway in the pregnancy I was still more scared than excited, but slowly that has changed. I blame hormones in part, but I also think it is in part from realizing life has the potential to get even better with baby number 2. Because really, life always has the potential to be better, and if we can believe that, whether or not to decide to have a child will become a much clearer decision.

Less fear, more hope.

That being said, things to consider from a logical perspective about having a child, like health of the parents (especially the mother), both physical and mental is incredibly important. Even people with baby fever should stop and reevaluate their timing if they can’t properly care for the child. Also, assessing the stability and health of the relationship that the child is born into is important as well. How your spouse treats you will probably be how you treat your child, and vise versa. Probably don’t want to have anger issues, or at least be in the process of resolving them. Many a thing to consider, but if you can give the baby a safe home, it’s really up to what you want.

Good luck! Life will always get better eventually.

Honestly it has been such a complete joy, and inspiration that I never could have imagined relishing like I do. You seem self-aware of all the areas that will take extra nourishing if/when you choose to have a baby. I think millennial parents often aren’t talking about how positive it can be; and so many people lose sleep, money, and experience stress in their relationships to accomplish other life milestones that may or may not be just as fulfilling. It doesn’t have to be as complicated and involved as I think maybe our society makes it seem. You really don’t need to buy into the consumerism that preys on nesting urges, you can trust your gut, rely on your community, be open with your partner through the hard times, and come out the other side with the most beautiful love you could imagine. I’m not discounting that some mothers really struggle with hard pregnancies, bonding, parenting, relationship issues and more. But I only had 1 friend in my entire network encourage me to go for it and I’m so glad she did.

I do think the opportunity to go back to work full time helps me balance what I feel is my drive/purpose/social needs, and I then I have the gift of being very intentional about the hours I have with my girl. Some days finding the balance is excruciating- but again, you don’t have to be a parent to experience having your heart and mind and emotions pulled many ways. Life will have prepared you in other ways if you do take on motherhood.

We just found out we are expecting our 2nd, only 22 months apart. The cost of daycare is daunting, but I’m thrilled (also a little nervous all over again.)

I’m in my early 30s, and in late 2017 my husband and I were continuously grappling with what we wanted (it’s tough to be married to someone as uncertain as yourself hah), and we decided we probably would end up wanting a child someday and because of our ages, we went for it. I became pregnant quickly, and I thought a loving instinct would just kick in. Instead, I felt trapped and became deeply depressed – and after weeks of deliberation, we ended up terminating the pregnancy.

It was an awful, disorienting time. I felt so guilty – for ending something I had conceived intentionally and that so many women wish they could do naturally, as well as for not having a maternal instinct emerge. My husband and I went to couples therapy to sort out what had just happened – and what we had done. I was lucky that his first priority was my health and happiness.

I don’t offer this anecdote because I think any of this is the norm, necessarily. I think many women (and men) do have an instinct that kicks in if you happen to conceive. I have known so many women that ended up pregnant without knowing what they wanted and embraced it with strength and grace. But I was in the same boat of never knowing where I stood, and it was a bewildering experience that taught me a lot about approaching life decisions with intention. I feel for your exploration of parenthood, and I wish you all the best in navigating this significant life path.