Comments on: The Story We’re Not Telling About Motherhood

By: BRITTANY E CHAFFEE

BRITTANY E CHAFFEE — Tue, 05 Feb 2019 21:34:01 +0000

In reply to jules. Thank you for your note! This is so inspiring to me. I could write in LENGTH about motherhood and change. We evolve and want different things as life moves forward and it's beautiful to hear about these evolutions. I'm so sorry about the loss you've experienced but happy to hear about your little one. Obsessing is pointless, of course, but writing and telling our stories is so important. There is certainly a difference.

By: jules

jules — Tue, 05 Feb 2019 18:01:55 +0000

Late to this post. We also need to open to the reality that we change, things change. I was actively, vehemently anti-kid until I was 40. Then I lost the family members closest to me. I now have a 4 year old. People were shocked I was having a kid. I had a full adulthood child-free and career obsessed, now I am having a second experience. It was easy for me. I didn’t do any IVF etc and I was OK if I didn’t get pregnant, I just opened the door. I’m trying to give my kid a more independent childhood, more like we had in the 1970s/80s. It’s a lot of work, I can’t work they way I once did. But realized a lot of the work and intensity didn’t give me what I thought it did. It was theater. Be open to the experiences and changing. Don’t believe any of the bullshit – that you should or should not do, feel, want, adhere to anything – listen to your higher self. What you realize when people die is, 93% of the things we obsess about mean very, very little.

By: BRITTANY E CHAFFEE

BRITTANY E CHAFFEE — Wed, 30 Jan 2019 20:34:18 +0000

In reply to Sindy. Thank you so much for reading!!

By: Sindy

Sindy — Wed, 30 Jan 2019 02:28:13 +0000

In reply to Sarah. thank you for taking time to share this and frame your thoughts. totally agree. needed this tonight.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Tue, 29 Jan 2019 23:02:40 +0000

I don’t disagree with what you wrote, and I remember feeling the same way before I had a kid (now another one on the way). What is frustrating now as a mother, is that the kids really are an all-consuming part of my life. It’s not society or my family telling me that I can’t have a career or do it all – it’s that there are not. enough. hours. in the day. I’ve made choices that I never thought I would, putting career and other personal goals on hold to keep my kid from getting repeatedly sick at daycare (which costs too much in the US) or hiring someone else, which I could not afford, to pick her up and get her ready for bed each night. My husband and I used to both be able to just work late, or travel for work, or pursue our careers with abandon – and those things are logistically not possible anymore, not for both of us at the same time. So when I see articles like this – especially from women who are not yet mothers, who can’t possibly know what it’s like over here on the other side – I feel your anguish about it, but I’m writing to say it’s not a huge choice that we have. If you have a kid, someone needs to take care of it, and it’s you or someone you can afford to pay, or maybe your family wants to do it for free, but mine sure does not. Mothers don’t just throw in the towel – we cry about it and feel terrible about our failures and lost career opportunities, but there are small human beings we need to take care of, and time and money. Employer expectations (see: Millennial burnout) made it so, so difficult for my partner and I both to pursue the careers we dreamed of. My boss found someone else who could work 60 hours a week. My husband left a job with great upward mobility so he could see his daughter for 30 minutes a night before bedtime, instead of missing it every single week night. And we are privileged to be able to make these changes, even though our childless friends were probably horrified and thought we just gave up or whatever. I recommend Shonda Rhimes’ book if you haven’t yet – she’s got great things to say about this struggle and balance, and points out that she does it with a LOT of hired help – which most people can’t afford. I don’t know how to fix this, but I wrote to say that it’s not all some societal expectation that we give up other parts of our life – it’s something that happens because you are suddenly a full-time caretaker (or need to work enough to afford to hire one).

By: BRITTANY E CHAFFEE

BRITTANY E CHAFFEE — Tue, 29 Jan 2019 16:17:16 +0000

In reply to Morgan.

Thank you so much! You’re so right! The kid question pops up all the time and I feel like it’s such a lazy expectation for women. There’s so much more we can do – and we might be going through something SUPER personal in regards to children. Men never get asked that question! I appreciate you reading and supporting. Stay strong out there!

By: Morgan

Morgan — Tue, 29 Jan 2019 15:38:13 +0000

I loved this article because this subject has been close to my heart for over a decade. I’m in my young 30’s and have been in a long term relationship for almost 15 years. I’ve been asked the kid question more than any other question…and I think I lead a pretty interesting life, ask me anything! I hope we as a society can get to a point where we stop asking woman “lazy” questions and allow them to be fully realized humans, regardless if they procreate or not.

By: Brittany Chaffee

Brittany Chaffee — Mon, 28 Jan 2019 19:10:27 +0000

In reply to HCSTP. You are the very best for this comment. Thank you for the support and sharing your story. It shows so much strength and honesty to come face-to-face with a truth we all can share with one another, because we really don't know what everyone else is going through. Sending you all the compassion and warmth. <3 <3

By: HCSTP

HCSTP — Mon, 28 Jan 2019 18:29:57 +0000

Another great post! We need room for more frank discussions around this topic. I’m currently pregnant. I struggle with how people are making assumptions regarding my partner’s future role in parenting vs. mine. I feel guilty that, while I’m very excited to have this child, I’ve never had this deep, all-encompassing desire to be a mother (and that won’t make me a bad mother). Regarding the comment above, I think it’s important to remember that building empathy and understanding is a process. We are all on different journeys and come to realizations at different times in our lives. We don’t know what we don’t know, and we gain the courage to express ourselves at different rates.

By: Brittany Chaffee

Brittany Chaffee — Mon, 28 Jan 2019 14:01:24 +0000

In reply to MK O'Brien. Thanks for the feedback - always appreciated!

By: Brittany Chaffee

Brittany Chaffee — Mon, 28 Jan 2019 14:00:04 +0000

In reply to TJE.

Yes, exactly! I’m happy you found a way to relate to this article – I feel like there is such a big conversation around motherhood we’re not even talking about – that we totally should be! Thank you so much for reading!

By: TJE

TJE — Sat, 26 Jan 2019 15:45:12 +0000

i really love this. as someone in their young thirties who has finally decided i definitely do not want children, i find it incredibly frustrating to answer the question “why not?” when women who choose to have children are not asked “why?”

By: The Story We’re Not Telling About Motherhood | Home & Kitchen Essentials

Sat, 26 Jan 2019 03:48:14 +0000

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By: MK O'Brien

MK O'Brien — Fri, 25 Jan 2019 22:33:14 +0000

The essay concludes with the sentence: “We want the world to be more acceptable of people bolder in their identities, the ones that choose to go against what the grain is”. By definition, “acceptable” references accordance with an existing norm. For me personally, it conjures up the same troubled feelings I have when I hear the term “tolerance” or “tolerate” used in discussion of human or systemic differences; it’s not enough to move the needle and, at its foundation, it is based on the act of one group “permitting” another to establish their own meaning and way of being in the world. If I understand the overarching premise of the essay, I think it might have been better stated as “We want the world to be more ACCEPTING of people bolder in their identities, the ones that choose to go against what the grain is”, indicating a broader validation of a new normal. I’m not trying to be an editorial jerk (although I know I sound like one), but I think this difference truly affects the meaning of what is being said here in a way that matters.

By: Brittany Chaffee

Brittany Chaffee — Fri, 25 Jan 2019 21:00:26 +0000

In reply to Yikes. Thank you for your comment! I appreciate the candid response. I wish I could have gotten the chance and courage to write something like this at a younger age! And, I could write a book about this, specifically structural oppression (there's not nearly enough space on a blog to write about all of those details). In fact, I'm reading a great book that covers all of those important conversations right now. It's noted within the article. It's a great read if you need one!

By: Yikes

Yikes — Fri, 25 Jan 2019 20:55:43 +0000

For a woman at her age, the fact that she’s -just realizing- the double-standards for women says a lot more about the author’s sheltered reality than it does about society at large. The dark side of this kind of shallow Twitter-feminism drivel is that we’ve decided to applaud every pseudo-activist white person that’s finally realized structural oppression.