Comments on: When You’re Trying but Not Trying to Get Pregnant

By: Emma

Emma — Sun, 24 Jan 2021 13:43:27 +0000

Hi, I was googling this subject because I dont know what to make of my mixed feelings when I get yet another, negative on a preg test. Ive been married for over a decade now, no kids…were high up in our 30s. I love my/our life. I feel content and complete as a person already. If a kid did come along, I see it as a wonderful addition to our lovely lives and I know we’d be happy.

But im older, im in a routine Im comfortable with for so many years that the thought of a kid coming into it also terrifies me!
So when the negative comes, as you said, I get that great rush of disappointment..some tears…and then later, the relief comes…and I get some wine and watch my favorite movie (makes me feel better) and I do it all over again.

This is normal to feel? I dont want it to look as though I may not be ready, but its just a confusing set of feelings every month.

By: Denice Blair

Denice Blair — Tue, 06 Oct 2020 20:27:27 +0000

I’m late to this discussion, but just want to say that I have never read anything more relatable in my life…it was like my thoughts were stolen from my mind and thrown on the web.
This pregnancy limbo that I am in has given me so much anxiety. Already an anxious person as is, I’m having trouble handling the extra pressure from what I want vs what is expected vs what is best for my 3 yr old daughter.
At least I know I am not alone.
Thank you, I appreciate this post…truly.

By: Laura

Laura — Fri, 28 Feb 2020 21:30:13 +0000

I just came upon this thread and it is striking such a chord with me right now. I just turned 33 and my partner and I have always been so sure we didn’t want kids. However now that time is running out, we’ve decided to not not trying… it’s such an odd idea. But we feel.like if it’s supposed to happen it will and we’re prepared for that and if it doesn’t ok… but us it okay? I mean I feel as though I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t happen, but also I don’t want to get my Hope’s up because who knows what will happen. It’s a rollercoaster ride of emotion, fear, doubt and excitement and I’m not sure where that leaves me.

Thanks for sharing your journey, I’m glad to know I’m not the only one not not trying.

By: Kate Kearns

Kate Kearns — Tue, 25 Sep 2018 15:09:42 +0000

In reply to emily. We're definitely in this together! When I was in college, I had convinced myself I would never be able to have kids. Obviously that wasn't the case! It's just about where you're at in relationships with yourself and your partner. And it's okay to have every single doubt and concern and indecision you're experiencing!!

By: Kate Kearns

Kate Kearns — Tue, 25 Sep 2018 15:07:49 +0000

In reply to P. I'm so glad this spoke to you. And self preservation is the perfect way to frame things!! Both paths – more kids and no more kids – have great value. It just takes a while to figure out the right fit.

By: emily

emily — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 21:58:17 +0000

I can’t believe your timing! my husband and i just decided to start “trying but not trying” (we got married two months ago and currently have no children) and it’s terrifying and wild to think about. but with every exciting thought comes a negative nancy one–CAN we even get pregnant? i don’t WANT to stop drinking! i’m effing SCARED! is it too soon? too late (i’m 32)? what if something goes terribly wrong? thanks for sharing your journey and indecision. i’ve been trolling the internet all day looking for a sign and it’s just good to know we’re all there, together.

By: P

Sat, 22 Sep 2018 05:57:39 +0000

Oh my goodness. This is exactly what I needed to read today. My husband and I have decided to try for a second, the gyno has given the green light, I’ve got the sticks, but…. but …. what’s wrong with me? I also have a toddler who’s nursed 18 months and I also JUST got my body back. But that body is aging and all of those Google searches about fertility are scary. It’s so nice to hear that someone else is feeling these feelings that I’ve labeled as “selfish,” but I think I’m going to be more kind to myself in the future and call is “self-preservation.” Pregnancy and motherhood is so incredibly draining, it’s ok to ask myself why I’m willing to start the process again. Thank you for this post!

By: Kate Kearns

Kate Kearns — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 18:13:26 +0000

In reply to Lori E. Oooooh those toddlers. They're no joke. I'm so glad you could relate to this! Best of luck on wherever path takes you!

By: Kate Kearns

Kate Kearns — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 18:12:44 +0000

In reply to Joyce. What you've expressed is certainly a valid perspective when deciding whether or not to have kids! There's no way we can plan for the global future, only our own. So I figure as long as I'm making decisions (for my family, for the planet) that I'll still be proud of 25 or 30 or 50 years from now, I figure I'm doing my part.

By: Lori E

Lori E — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 14:58:23 +0000

This is the most accurate description of myself I have ever read. Thank you, Kate, for writing the words that I will use to describe my –our– current state from now until…it’s no longer the state I find myself in. One way or another, it won’t last forever. Just like our sweet and volatile toddlers, it won’t last forever. (Not sure if that’s a good thing or not…)

Also, 100% yes to food being hobby. 🙂

By: Joyce

Joyce — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 06:41:45 +0000

I fear there is another variable, the planet.as we know, it is in trouble and our children will be faced with a different world w/ serious water shortages,animal viruses will continue to creep into human populations as land masses crowd, and many more places will experience over population and refugees as water rising, deserts growing all lessen land available . Can you leave enough wealth to help your children surrvive ? Do you want your children to live in this world… and add to the numbers?
Sorry to be glum, I do it in the name of the children who will have to deal with it.

By: Allison

Allison — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 03:51:26 +0000

In reply to whit. I’m so sorry for your loss. I also miscarried (a “missed” miscarriage at 9 weeks) three months ago. I totally agree that all semblance of non-chalance is gone for me now. The first time I breezily got pregnant on the second try and had just enough time to get excited about the idea before it was torn away. I’m now simultaneously desperate to get pregnant again and terrified I’ll have another miscarriage. Add to that the fact that I turn 35 next month and I am basically a total mess every month. Good luck with everything - it’s a hard spot to be in but I hope we all persevere.

By: Kate Kearns

Kate Kearns — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 20:11:26 +0000

In reply to Grace. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! It sounds like baby central at your work right now – holy cow!! I hope this helps some of your friends feel like they're not alone in this step of their journey : )

By: Kate Kearns

Kate Kearns — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 20:09:51 +0000

In reply to AC. I'm always happy to hear when other people are in the same boat as me! The struggle – of that wild swing between absolute relief and total disappointment – is REAL. And it's a totally normal thing to experience!

By: Grace

Grace — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 18:56:21 +0000

Thanks for sharing! At my job, I am surrounded by people getting pregnant, having babies, or trying to get pregnant. We’ve had three births within the last month on my team of 40 people. It’s nuts.
At any rate, many of the women I work with who are trying to get pregnant have expressed this same sentiment. They have mixed feelings. They want a kid…but then they kind of don’t just yet. They want to focus on themselves…but their hearts melt each time a new mom stops by with their babe.
I do not have kids nor am I trying to get pregnant, so I can’t relate much during our brief water-cooler chats. But this article may prove a comfort to a few of my closer female friends who are also trying-but-not-trying. Can’t wait to send them to this article

– Grace | The Keen Kind

By: AC

AC — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 18:46:28 +0000

This entire post describes me so well right now! Thank you for sharing! We are trying for our second (I also realize how lucky I was to easily get pregnant with our first) and it’s taking a few months. But I’m not entirely sure I’m ready to do this again. I know what to expect this time around haha. I am certain I want another baby, and sooner rather than later, and yet am relieved every month that I am not yet pregnant. And the depressed and anxious about it days later. I think it is such a test of having to let go of control, and that’s not something I am good at. I am all of the emotions basically. Also, the two week wait is CONSUMING and exhausting and I just wish there was a way to not think about it.

By: Kate Kearns

Kate Kearns — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 18:41:09 +0000

In reply to Eva. Thank you for your thoughts! Whether or not to try for kids is a huge decision for any person or couple to make – and in spite of a lot of judgment against people who decide to skip parenthood, it’s a perfectly reasonable choice if it’s the right choice for you!

By: Kate Kearns

Kate Kearns — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 18:37:36 +0000

In reply to Ashley Paguyo. Thank you! Exhausting is the perfect word for it. And yet, we persevere.

By: Kate Kearns

Kate Kearns — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 18:36:34 +0000

In reply to whit. I'm so sorry for your struggles on the journey to parenthood. Experiences like miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies are incredibly challenging – physically, emotionally, everything. We don't always realize how much something matters to us until it's put in jeopardy. Thank you so much for sharing, and I wish you the absolute best of luck on this path – wherever it takes you.

By: Eva

Eva — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 17:43:32 +0000

I haven’t even begun to unpack where I stand with pregnancy. I’m not sure if I want to have kids, I’m certainly not ready, and it seems like there are so many, all-consuming, situations out there. I don’t know what will happen, but I hope you spend the time finding what’s right for you, and what you really want – because that’s who it’ll come down to, you! Good luck 🙂

Eva | http://www.shessobright.com

By: Ashley Paguyo

Ashley Paguyo — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 16:49:54 +0000

Thanks for the candor, Kate! Trying to get pregnant adds so many layers to our already complicated relationships with our “cycles.” I find it…exhausting. I appreciate your honesty and can’t wait to see how your family unfolds.

By: whit

whit — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 16:41:14 +0000

A few months ago I was in the “trying but not trying” camp. I had a very nonchalant “if it happens, it happens” attitude, but the day the pee stick showed an undeniable positive was still a shock. After wrapping our heads around the thought of having a baby (not theoretically, but actually truly really), we found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy and I had to have emergency surgery. Now all resemblance of a nonchalant attitude around pregnancy has been replaced with worry about future conception and/or ectopic pregnancies. I waffle between wanting to get pregnant as soon as possible and not even wanting to try because I’m scared of a repeat. I always thought when we were ready to have kids, we just would. Now it’s become heart-wrenchingly complicated.